THE COLD HEAT

A mysterious, graceful, courageous creature in all her beauty lived the life of a Phoenix.  Her life a show of continuous death and rebirth. Healing constantly from outside forces to rebuild herself into an image she desired to be – loving, strong and wise.

She desired to shed the illusions that man used to cover up their intentions. She desired true freedom from deception and to be well informed with full control of her choices.  She desired the same for others as well.

She often mingled in the cloaks of others deceptions and entertained herself with their games.

To accept all things was her goal.

“Love is enough, love is forever,  love is acceptance” is what she told herself; even after it proved not to be.

A Phoenix, burning in her own heart to only rise and rebuild herself again and again. She forced herself to walk through the burning flames of the hurtful and hurting. To know the truths and become stronger,  wiser and more enlightened; sucked into the lives of others and their secrets.

Her conflicted heart only wished to be desired and owned by someone with honest intentions towards her. She only desired true love, in that, it was built on trust and was the absolute truth. However, lies and insecurities was what seemed to be most often found.

Time and time again they would play games to gain access to her. To own the magic that she was and consume themselves in her sincere passion for love and kindness. In the end, if they deceived her, they burned with her. After all, she was a Phoenix, and whom took part in her pain surely felt the coldness of her burning fire. She desired for them to burn with her; to feel the coldness of their own games.

Man after Man, she allowed them to show her who they were. Sincerity and honesty was the first rule in all  her engagements; given and received.

Insincere hearts and selfish intentions was the common force at play. Each lie she was forced to reveal would imprint itself on her soul; leaving a permanent tattoo.

Full acceptance is what she desired, but did not believe it to be obtainable. Lies covered with lies prevented anyone from seeing the truth and confused the masses. She had a hard time accepting this. In fact, she refused to.

She transformed all she met through acceptance and harsh lessons of tough, yet gentle love. To be compassionate and empathetic to others was what she was taught.

‘But to what side?’ was the question she often thought.

The dark and light side of love was to be accepted in whole; a packaged deal. A lesson she burned many times for. Each prepared her for the next lesson.

Revealing one lie inevitably revealed them all. They tried to keep hidden in the curtain of their MANIPULATIONS.  But one leak turned into a waterfall, and all that was believed to be their reality was revealed as a fraud.

Although no one could fully understand her depths — they wanted to. No one really knew her, but they tried to own her and eventually learned she was a force not easily manipulated. They couldn’t live in her constant rebirth and search for sincerity.  She desired what was sought after most and yet the hardest to find – sincere,  honest, true love; and nothing less.

It was no easy task to gain her interest or trust. There were obstacles and mysterious forces at play that made the game that much more interesting.

However, one man managed to play his cards well and gain access to her heart. But the story was the same as the others.

Although he was built for her, so she felt, he had not yet come out from behind his own curtain. He hid behind a cloak of deception and ego; as did the rest.

He read once that what we believe will be called upon to be proven at some point. He never realized the true meaning behind the words until all that was hidden behind a thick blanket of his own ego spilled out of a tightly confined ball that had been finely woven to avoid feeling pain of any sort – – patched with lie after lie.

His truth had finally been called upon to be verified; and she was the only one who could do it.

“It’s a play ” was the first words that came to mind when he contemplated the meaning of life. A play within a play. The thought made him giggle.

She knew when she met this man that she was going to burn again. She knew there was another lesson and another rebirth she had to go through. A play she had to partake in. The pull was strong to him and him to her — he wanted to go deeper.

He was ignorant to the truth that one lie revealed could tear down a dam built with fake intentions and drown anyone who became entrapped within’ its walls. Truly a living hell for all. Small or large, the pressure would be too great for any dam built on lies.

There is no security within fake walls.

Many have said “Love is all, love is everything, love is reserved, love will last forever, love is pure, love will conquer all”

But does it? Will it? Has it?

Is it subjective?

What to love and what not to love, was the real dilemma in her world . They say true love loves all. But what happens when the bad is the one thing you are faced to love and accept?

Only when asked to trust would she call upon the intentions of the request. She needed verification, beyond the cloak of words.

“It never fails. Everything must be verified; twice!” she often would say.

It’s in the darkest parts of love that we see its sincerity. That we reflect who we truly are. Love provokes change; good and bad.

She tested the sincerity of their words and watched their actions. She provoked change through love and loss, and made them feel deeply. She shook them to their very core and then soothed their pain with forgiveness. It’s the imbalance and change in love in which we love so much. The feelings and thoughts it provokes.

The struggles love presented in this mans life was obvious he needed a change. His cloth of illusions had been exhausted and wore down with time.

Truth is endless – lies are not.

‘Is a lie loving?” she once asked him when she brought to light his bag of forbidden memories he had collected.

“To get what you want, you must be it first” Were wise words once heard that flashed in his mind as he stared deep into her accusing eyes.

“Do you prefer a slap in the face, or burn in the fire?” she asked him, hoping he would say a slap.

She already played the game of forcing out the truth many times and did not have much patience left for it. He could see that her soul was something he could burn for. He begged her to show him her fire.

“I’d rather be with you and burn in the fire than to get slapped and not see you again” He replied with the utmost passion for her. His eyes burned with desire and intrigue.

“You do realize that burning feels cold, right?”

She knew that he had no idea what burning felt like, or what she meant, but she had hope he would be strong enough to go through it. After all, he was asking for it.

She assured him that he would feel the coldness of her fire if any deception was revealed towards her. She gave him several chances to be the one to bring her to her knees. She warned him of the chaos that deception would bring. She made him aware of the challenges it would present for her own healing from the previous play she took part in. She had burned many times before — but this time she was hoping to avoid it, or at the very least, see this man come out of his own deceptions into a life of freedom and sincere, honest love.

She was tired of burning and rebuilding others, as well as herself. Although she came out stronger each time, she felt that too many times would leave her heart feeling heavy and burnt.

His eagerness to experience her fully gave her hope that she would be the one to feel the slap for her lack of trust in him.

But again, she was too hopeful and another lie was revealed through force.

“You expect trust, honesty and sincere love, but you are not willing to give it!?” she screamed silently as she stared intensely in to his eyes.

The pain of betrayal squeezed out of her in a display of frustration and anger.

She gave her trust, honesty and her sincerity; uncloaked. Feeling his love broke down her walls, but in the end, it left more cracks than before.

Now her damn heart bled!

It bled out in the form of hatred and disgust. So much so, that she needed to burn again. Start over and step out of the ashes of lies.

On dark gloomy days is when he seemed the most alive. It was these days that sparked deep thought and feelings within him. Where he felt the pain and turmoil of deep emotions never felt before. Where he desired to feel deep, endless love for her. Yet, at the same time, push out anything that brought tears to his eyes. He had a hard time getting past anything hurtful.

Something so grand and pure had been soured by one lie revealed, and it saddened him deeply. To feel the pain and go deeper in it was unbearable. She needed him to see the lie he believed and entrapped himself in. He fooled himself, and in that, everyone else around him.

In these moments of pain he hated himself, but needed to be loved badly. She couldn’t help but want to heal him; embrace him and love him. But she knew he needed to fix things and had no idea how.

He begged for her to help through cries of forgiveness and sorrow. She told him how. She showed him through his own deceptions. But he desperately clung to the burning cloth, patching it with more lies and deception; sending him into confusion, darkness and pain. Her heart bled for him with deep hope and inner struggles to free him and herself from his deception.

He learned that love came in degrees and different intensities. That it was always changing, ebbing and flowing. It required for him to be honest with himself. To face his own mirror and look past his own reflection — in the background.

So he did, and what he saw; he hated. It hurt him to look at what he seeded. To watch his lies crumble in the truths. He had a heart, and it desired to rip down his vail of lies and start over. However,  renewal never came without chaos.

He didn’t want to look any longer.

There were others involved and their time had been over looked. They faced a reality formed with selfishness and they wanted to express how they felt; express their right as individuals. Their pain great with no way to release other than through lashes of anger and resentment.

Trapped and foolish is how one feels when cloaked with deception.

So the Phoenix took him in whole-heartedly; for her love was unconditional, and so strong, that all she desired was for them both to burn their pain in to a new existence. No cloaks; no deception – pure freedom.

And as the story goes, he stayed cloaked  fearing of the unknown.  Refusing to take control; and left her to burn alone. As it is,  and always will be, the Phoenix will rise in her own ashes; vowing to show those who attempted to light the fire in her heart through deception —  the cold heat of her burning fire.

©2017

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